Getting back into the swing of things

Monday 25th July 2011 07:30am

This morning was my first gym session in 3 whole fat weeks! Honestly i thought i was about to die after 5 minutes of getting there, not to mention that i was already totally shattered from walking a whole 10 minutes from the bus stop to the actual gym itself.

I made the decision to start on that little shit who calls himself the treadmil. Chest tightened, legs went, eyes were rolling to the back of me head, then i start panting like a fat lass running to Greggs in the morning; that was before i even got on the shitting thing!

So there I am sprinting away like Chris Acaboosie and not even 4 minutes in i had to press the big red emergency stop button. Im fucked!!!!!  Lucky for me there wasn't a sole anywhere near me so i quickly ran over to the leg curling machine, which basically is a seat with a bar around the front of it. Sat there for the best part of 20... Wey until people started to come in, then i just pretended i was doing my last final reps then moved onto another seat based machine, or should i say lying down machine 'The Geordie Arse Cruncher'. I don't think it's actually called that really, or is even a Geordie but some clever dick has marker penned it on the side so we ignore the real name and call it that.

After my hard work out on that machine all i could manage were my arm presses. I felt so tired and weak i didn't even put the dobber on a weight i just pushed it in and out withought any weight on at all. Still though i rekon it done soemething, my arms are starting to hurt so surely that was worth doing?

My past 3 weeks have been completely mental though so in my deffence i've had a hard time, im not totally lazy, i just got lead up the wrong path for a bit. After all it's not easy going on 12 hour drinking binges then pigging out on numerous cooked chickens, maccy d's, burger kings, greggs pasties, crisps, sweets, pop, bread! Not to mention the 4 day festival i put in where i lived on snake bites and cheesy chips and gravy for the full time we were there.

Good times

Stressed out

Had some pretty huge decisions to make today, BIG decisions to make, Literally i have no clue where to start! I'm all over the place, i can't breath...so stressed out!

I just need to know ... What will i have for my tea tonight!!!

Just so you know this is me taking the piss out of someone i know, not me!!
I admit I'm bad and i sometimes cry, kick and scream when i'm hungry but there is a line.

Sundays!

Hate this time on a Sunday (19:24) It's all down hill from here, mainly because you find your night being sucked up by shitty tv. Next think u know you're sweating your tits off at the gym at 6am then find yourself sitting at your desk replying to thousands of pointless emails from upper class marble gobbed kept house wife's who have fuck all else to do than complain about not getting a frigan window table!

Rant will never be over

Aparently his nipples were cold...

They started talking to him! Well i can bet you a small fortune they didn't tell him to put a jumper on.

You see this is what happens

When you are forced to watch documentaries on NASA, I pick up things that to me make sense but to others don't. Like 'Risk is the price of progress' and 'My nipples were so cold they started talking to me... Yheurs'

A two-headed tortoise. Ne Way!

!

Found this on the tinter-smutt! 

My husband tells me 'A double Turtle head, that'll definitely give you roids'. What a rotten Ralf!

Apparently a two-headed tortoise has come out of its shell in Dorset & found itself in the media spotlight. The unusual case of a Mediterranean spur-thighed tortoise, born 8 months ago in an incubator, made the headlines in various papers on Friday. Owner John Jones, from Dorchester, who has 37 tortoises and has kept them for 55 years, said: "I was really surprised - I had never seen anything like it. "It is perfectly healthy and is running around with all the other tortoises. "I think each head has its own little brain because they do try to move in different directions (Rrreally)." Although it is an unusual case, it is not unique. In 2003 another two-headed tortoise was found in South Africa.

My love of Terrible Fashion

Fear not people I've done the research for you, i think it's almost suicide that none of us know where the Puffa Jacket originates from. I think it's very important because let's face it, we all owned one at some point in our lives!!!


Mine wasn't actually like the one on the picture (unfortunately) for people like me there was NAF co, the Kwik Save version of the label. You could get these down the market or charity shop for a smidgen of the price, you were more likely to get full blown picked on for donning the Black & Orange beauty, if you were me though it didn't matter in the slightest, i was in love. My personal favorite was the light blue extra stuffed puffa which had a stylish coral & green Aztec zig-zag going across the middle.


SO here's the info you have all been waiting for... Exciting stuff

The first MA-1 jackets were issued around 1949 or 1950 to United States Air Force and Navy pilots and Flight crews. Small numbers were also issued to Army flight personnel. MA-1 jackets first appeared in Europe in very small quantities in the mid-to-late 1950s probably on the black market and at sales of government surplus. 

In the early to mid-1960s more MA-1 jackets appeared in Europe as Alpha Industries began to export MA-1 jackets and other military clothing to European Air Forces and commercial customers.

They say you learn a new thing everyday, so there you have it!

The stuff i was brought up on

'The Smell of Reeves And Mortimer'

My dad had me watching this from about 8 years old up, here's a few of my absolute favorite side splittingly funny clips from their show. Still, even though i've watched them a bizillion  times i crack up like a daft lass. Ahh good times. Over to you Coxy & Evans...

Helicopter Landing Pad

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=imOt19j8K4U

Service Post

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_7isOlKnCag

Reeves and Mortimer - The Two Of Us (In A Bottle) 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zOKkktyHDuw&playnext=1&list=PL33B88916A630E9F4

 

Cottage Cheese

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ht1vouSNy4I

Obviously i have loads more but these babies are my absolute bestest!

HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!

Peachie's 'Social-ish network'

Not long after The Social Network film was released and idea came to my head "Why not the fuck not create my own version" So i did!

I will add that the idea has been well in truly bumped from me now and i'd like to point out to you that I CAME UP WITH IT FIRST Okay! Bitter.com (that's not the website address BTW!)

Nelly Pad took 3 weeks out of my life that i will NEVER get back! However, i'm happy as a pair of tits with it, it's probably the only thing ever in my life where i have came up with the idea and actually done something about it. That in its self deserves an award!

Briefly: Nelly Pad is a website where you can share your past memories with others. You name it you can blog about it as well as upload pictures & videos. You will see there's blogs on there about fashion, old skool food, music, holidays ect... you get the jist.

I digress...Enjoy!!

www.nellypad.com

Old skool scooby snacks

Them Teddy Bear Crisps
Ahh just had a flash back, Those lil teddy bear crisps!! Far to cute to eat tho, found myself shouting out in a Glaswegian accent 'it was murdddarrr' after every time I ate one 

The Ice Cream Float Man!
My best friend reminded me about this and how on earth could i forget "The Ice Cream Float" For those of you that haven't lived, it's a drink that consists of one or more scoops of ice cream in fizzy pop, or if you were in my gang panda pop. This drink is what we had as a treat when we were bairns and i still absolutely love it to this day. Just one scoop of ice cream now though. Fatbags.com n all that


Rola Cola
I'm not sure about you but my family always had a bottle of crap pop in the cupboards when we were kids. aye? "Thanks MAM" and lets face it we complained but still drank it! Rola Cola is an award winning fizzy drink, all you needed were a few sips and you were high as a kite. Unfortunately it did leave you with the trade mark 'bat wings' around the mouth but that was part and parcel of the whole experience, wasn't it! 

Dads terrible jokes

A few terrible jokes my dad forgets he's already told me...Over and over and over again;

What's the most common owl in England? A Teatowl

Why was the chicken stuck in the middle of the road? Because it had chewing gum stuck to its foot

How did the chewing gum cross the road? Because it was stuck to the chickens foot

What do you call a women in the distance? Dot

What do you call a woman tied to a goal post? Anet

What o you call a man with a spade on his head? Doug

What do you call a guy in a bush? Russell

What do you call a guy with a seagull on his head? Cliff

A terrible chat up line...

A lovely morning chat up line to me and my friend Tara on our way to work one beautiful sunny morning

"Hew... are yee'z Irish... Coz me cocks Dublin" 

Fan-tastic!

Words of Wisdom

Someone once said; People with idea's are amazing and people without idea's are, not so amazing

Fettishes

Just turned the tv on to find a fully grown bloke dressed as a fucking baby! Worse still he was being bottle fed AND if I didn't turn it over quick enough it would of been 'nappy changing time' yes... He did just shit himself!

I can't understand it to be honest but these guys pay good money to fulfil their urges! Some even have families!! I can see it now "babe im hungry so im just nipping over to barbaras for my bottle. I also need the biggest shit ever so can u hurry up and help me get into this nappy. did u pack my giant dummy and have u got me a clean onesie I spewed all over the other one"

Surely no wife would put up with that?

I feel sorry for the kids, imagine getting picked up at school by 'the big bouncing baby Bri' the cheecky twat would probably expect you to push him home in a fucking wheelbarrow to make him feel as though he was in a pram.

Pfffft

Location:Home!

Greggs

I can remember when you could get a Cheese & Onion Pasty, Sausage Roll & an Iced Bun all for the grand total of £1.50

Stuff my Nana says

Eee Christina I was just about to dial your number! Do you know what that's called... telapathie 

For tea tonight have i made you your favorite, Corned Beef and Potato pie with home made Chips, nice eh... and for dessert 'Profit Rolls'

I went to Tayborns with Mina and the girls from the court the other day and the Porn Cocktail was just delicious

When i was a bairn we didn't have dolls to play with, we used to wrap a bag of sugar up in an old rag and pretend that was our baby. When we played mammys and daddys i used to put a pleated skirt on my head backwards and pretend i had a mop of lovely dark brown hair, either that or a pillow case.

For eye liner we used coal and for lipstick we used beetroot juice. For rosy cheeks we just nipped them until they were red raw.

We never really got gifts at Christmas, all i can remember getting was an orange. For our birthday we were allowed to open it!

We were so poor when we were kids, to keep warm in the winter my mam used to burn the furniture. You'd dare leave your seat as it would end up on the fire. Same goes for food, you couldn't turn your head or your food would have been swiped. Hard times Christina hard times! 

I had a wicked granny and a nice granny. The wicked granny was Ginger so we used to sing  this song to her because we hated her that much 'Ginger nut fell in the gut and swallowed al the fishes, one jumped up and bit her nut and that was the end of ginger nut'
 

Christina, I think it's time your nana found her self a man. I don't want to wash up cook or clean after him, it would be just lovely if he could go and get my weekly shopping in and went to bingo once a week with me. I couldn't for the life of me clean up after another shitey arsed lazy Italian like your granda Mario or a stinking beef burger BO man like Tony. How on earth i ended up with two dirty bastards (hail mary) and 12 kids i'll never know.

Bad Taste

December 2010

Geeking it "big stylie" tonight... his red shiny peru jacket, khaki fur coat with gants, tied up messed hair do (how rar am i), leggins, wooly jumper and rigger boots oh & stripy socks... I simply cannot wait to don my new reindeer jumper tomorrow

 

When i was a young Warthog

A quick chat with my old gang has got me remembering what life was like back in the day.

The only worry for all of us were the following...

Saving our £2 a day dinner money for our Friday night drinking binge which consisted of no other than, 10 L&B, 3 liters of White Lightening, 1 bottle of 20/20 and a £3 box of scraps from the local Chinese Buffet place 'Jade Palace'  Not to mention the free bag of condoms we got given from Nurse Card! ... Which i will point out were never used, more for keeping in our purses to 'look cool' and for blowing up when we were board!

 

My Unidentified Flying Object Experience

Has just encountered a UFO on it's side in a field near by my farm :O i have a picture!!! The driver even stopped because he was so thrown by it and everyone got off to look at it. Ahhhhhh :D

 I know what your thinking, it's definitely not an airplane! If you were there...

Arriva 518

A collection of past rants re experiences on my daily trip to work on the 518; In a stern Geordie accent!

Foamin!!! A gadgie has only claimed his perch on my (not even 6month old) denim handbag! All the seats on this porpaz wagon and u decide to sit your fat cake on my gorgeous accessory! I'm simply foaming at your face mate!!

So I'm not shizing in my knicks that a prisoner from the local jail has just got on the bus, sat opposite me and started singing 'backstreets back alright'. I look down only to see the shape of his wanger under his reebok classics which leads to a small wet patch! Really? It's fucking 8:15am

I swear down I must have a sign attached to my actual forehead saying 'attention all divvies I'd absolutely love to chat, please take a seat RIGHT NEXT TO ME and repeatedly ask me if it's 1963!' GOD SAKE I preferred the wife who pissed herself the other day, at least she had the decency to get off at the next stop. It's official the 518 is now officially called 'The Sunshine Bus'

Love how all passengers panic and make a run for it to get off the fucking bus just because it stalled! Ovz I stayed at my seat, I'm not loosing it to Sadie and her frigan shopping trolley, not this time! it seems their is a bit of a human traffic jam at the door though, a geet fat patch is blocking the exit, she's actually standing there telling folk the bastard bus has broken down and that all passengers need to stand on the grassy verge! Our bus driver needs to grow a pair here mind, we are all counting on him. Maybe tell fat bags to get off? Maybe arrange a fork lift to come and collect her! No?

Will the bloke sitting opposite me eating a cheese sandwich, stop staring @ me and the lassy next door. Your an absolute gonk! Marking papers my axe wound! Your nee teacher

 

Fine Wine

Drinking a bottle of the finest red grape Morpeth garage has to offer... Something something Italian

Geordie Girl

As a geordie girl, mornings like this say to me, wack out the cooking oil and get ya cozi on it's summer! ... Despite the frost on the ground

Did you know...?

Stressed spelled backward is Desserts

Jeremy Vile!

Really would like to be in the audience of the Jeremy Kyle show, just to see and prove to myself that the people on there are actually real and not a bunch of cockeyed inbred turds who 'forgot to put something on the end of it' Hmm...

Cher Lloyd Crocadile ' Cher Lloyd - Simon Cowell is like my uncle we constantly text each other'

Can someone please feed Cher Lloyd to a hungry pissed off fairly large reptile please!

Rant Over

Fucking Hell. Once upon a time they made the decision to decreased the amount of available tickets for the NUFC fans @ away matches because they sang too loud... Now their piping up because we barricade the pitch after a good game... Howay man! Can a geordie not celebrate in their own special way!!?? Don't u understand this is all we know!!!!